Pain

I will never understand some things…losing Brianna is one of them.   

She was so precious.  And smart!  So smart…it’s hard to convince people who never knew her…they saw a medical challenge but we saw potential.  She was amazing.  She would learn things so quickly.  And she tried so hard…

She was so sweet…she would actually ask me to lay her face down on my chest when I was holding her in my lap by turning her body towards me and gesturing with her hands…and then she would snuggle and just gaze into my eyes or stroke my cheek or touch my hair or sometimes fall asleep.   I was so proud of her for her signing and I loved understanding what she was thinking.  She was too cute with her mouth swabs…only wanting to brush her teeth on her own. 

The pain is still too raw to express.  And I am so angry.  Really mad…at everyone, at no one, at specific people…

Looking back at the last entry in this blog brings out so many emotions for me.   Love, anger, disbelief in what happened and the irony of that blog post … and last but definitely not least – Guilt.  I have tremendous guilt as a mother for not being able to save my baby.  I know that I was at work and it was not my fault but I still have the guilt.  It is a heavy feeling and I don’t think it will ever, ever go away.

It has been 20 days, 13 hours and 43 minutes…since I saw Brianna playing with her toes and waving goodbye to me as I left for work.   I will never forget that…or the phone call I received exactly 20 days, 10 hours and 28 minutes ago.